Mike Cooney Denies Rumors That He is Actually Three Beavers in a Trench Coat

A recent internet rumor started by an unconfirmed source stating that Lieutenant Governor and gubernatorial candidate Mike Cooney has been denied by Mike Cooney.

“I’m not a puppet being manipulated by three beavers!” Mike Cooney said on a Facebook post Thursday afternoon.  “That would be a ridiculous idea and would be a lot of hard work on those beavers' part! If I was puppeted by three beavers that would be pretty impressive and I mean would people be accepting of that? Either way it's a ridiculous theory that has no merit.” 

“I think that if my vice governor Mike Cooney was actually beaver under a trench coat that that would be sick as hell! I’ve only seen him naw on a few pencils and get really excited about dam projects in the state. One time I thought I saw a tale but the Coonster told me that I didn’t see anything. But that’s all the proof I have! I’m just hoping that it's true like the rest of you! Fingers crossed!” Bullock stated in a morning brief Friday between bass guitar riffs he has been learning.

We at the Bear Paw have reached out to Mike Cooney’s campaign office to confirm the validity of these rumors but have not yet received a response.

“I could see it as a legitimate possibility!” Commented Greg Gianforte, Cooney’s opposition in the governor's race. “We can’t rule anything out too quickly. We need to make sure that he is in fact who “he” says “he” is.” Gianforte commented to the press while proving that he himself has a certificate certifying that “Greg Gianforte is a human being, and in no way any animal or animals impostering a human being. Clearly you can see here on this certificate that I am human, I have not seen such a certificate from Mike Cooney and therefore makes me quite suspicious.” 

IMPORTANT NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: We at the Bear Paw like to think of us as a super duper serious media organization and are in no way stating for certain that Mike Cooney is a bunch of beavers manipulating a realistic human puppet head and hands. A rumor is just a rumor after all and we are just reporting on such rumors. We in no way want you to comment on Mike Cooney posts or news articles calling him a “secret beaver puppet” or “prove that you're a human” or “show us your human being certification” or even “prove you don’t have a beaver under those clothes”. That would only be very hilarious and here at the Bear Paw we only care about making people sad and the news more boring.