Mayor Collins Takes 1st Place at Local Demolition Derby

Helena mayor Wilmot Collins took first place at the newly constructed Broadwater Demo Derby arena this past Friday. The crowd erupted in applause as Collins totaled Jeff Johnson’s car ending the main event. Collins was reported to be smiling at the time of the victory but unfortunately left before the post game press conference. 

Many spectators found themselves disappointed in the main event. Advertisements and the schedule of the derby both stated the fifty car free for all would be an hour of entertainment. Due to a strong showing by Collins the event lasted a mere six minutes. Jeff Johnson who took second place and is a professional derby driver commented on Collins performance, “I’ve been in this game for a while now and never have I ever seen someone take that many cars out that quickly. He was having so much fun doing it too, and he was relentless. I mean he would hit me one second and then dash off to hit someone else.”

After cutting the police budget in half, many citizens wondered where the Helena mayor would redirect it’s funds. The choice to host a city funded demolition derby might be seen as a waste of taxpayer money but city commissioner  Heather O’Laughlin calmed those fears during her speech at the opening ceremony. “I think that this is a positive project. We are all here to celebrate the city of Helena, to celebrate the art and culture of our great city. To show that we know how to have fun!”

There are currently no plans for future use of the one million dollar complex. When questioned O’Laughlin stated “if it’s good enough for FIFA and the Olympics, it’s good enough for Helena”.